Goodbye san diego

I got the boot from school and my dreams of actually accomplishing something.  So im back in san dimas. Good bye to san diego and all its inhabitants.

Possible Return?

So he says that he's going to try and come back this weekend or the next couple weeks. I dont know if its true or not. I know i do wish that mother fucker was here but then school is going so much better for me now that im able to focus on just that. And he is a distraction whether in mexico and me staying on the phone to talk to him instead of doing my studies, or im sure when hes here hell be a distraction for me again. But im not gonna telll him that and say don't come back. But i wonder what he's gonna do here? No job no car either.

See i told u

I cant stop staring at this picture of him he sent while we were talking on facebook. Messenger. When i look at him i fall in love . but then i feel that stupid saddness cuz hes gone. I wonder if its possible for someone to feel another persons pain. I think it is if they love them deeply.  I wonder if he loves me like that. I know if he did he would be hurting just as much if not more than me. And trying to find anyway to get in contact with me or even come back to me. Well thats how my love is.

Same ol familiar pain.

I hate that heavy tight painful lump you get when you're trying your hardest to keep it together. Trying not to break down and just cry. Man i really liked him and i really wanted to keep him. He made me feel loved and wanted. And i want that back. I want to scream and cry out to give it back to me! I deserve it ,i want it!.

Viva Mexico!

So today we parted on better terms than Then we did yesterday Today he wasnt acting like a jaycat. So i was actually a little sad when he left. I dont know when hes coming back i just hope itlll be with a lot of money for his car at least. A plus would be for rent too.

Now what?!!

So now I find the bitches shirt in my room. None of what he says makes sense. I don't wanna even think about it anymore it's gonna upset me more and drive me crazy

I don't need no love.

I don't even know my own self

  So apparently I am blind to my own feelings. Either oblivious or in denial. But then I would be in denial to myself, cuz I am only trying to  fool myself into thinking that  I don't give a fuck about him, that I want him out of my life, away from me and that I despise him.
Is it true that if u keep saying something repeatedly  or acting a certain way over And over eventually it'll stick ?
Well in this case I try to deny how I feel about him, even to myself. And I act as though I don't care about him or what he does.  But I left to the valley at 2 am wanting to see him before I left. But he never showed or answered my calls. He was with another girl till 4 am with his phone off. My mom thinks he's cheating.
I didn't want to come here.
I miss him and im in a panic on what he's doing with her. I'm afraid my fuck up is pushing them together and im trying to rush back.  After the first court I stopped at my friends and watched a video on my phone I took of him the day before i lost the car. Hearing his voice and seeing him I immediately felt this horrible tight burn in my stomach. And this ache and almost a panicky feeling to run to him and put him away from prying eyes. ..just so I won't lose him. If I hide him from the world it won't take him away from me.