NO thank you

I gave him fifty bucks, towards working on the car. he sctually stted doing something, but then fell asleep underneath my car.
I brought him a box of needed foil, no thank you for that, i also gav him a pack of cigarettes, still no thank you. Nothing I do is good enough, or appreciated or acknowleged, quite the contrary I am merely an inconvience unwanted house guest. Especially considering the fact that we havent had any intimacy together sincelast weekend, i even asked a few days ago. he didnt come home last night, nor did he answer his phone when i was calling him. Even now hes sleeping in thechair as opposed to with me in the bed. which has been the routine lately. Of course I have to act like it doesnt bother me, especially when earlier today and yesterday he gets a call from some girl far away he wasa suppposed to go see. I know what hes about  so I know what hes up to.
but yet, i cant show that i care and that hes killing me inside. In fact I dont show it or tell anyone how I feel, I dont want to keep looking and feeling like a fool

So you keep reminding me

He keeps reminding me of how he doesn't want me here and he can't get me to leave Cuz my car is broken down, and how he can't deal with me. Of course he's saying it rather harshly if not cruel . At least now. Yes saying it in front of people so that I can feel real stupid in front of everyone. I just sit there quietly letting him make me feel the usual make me feel really unwanted. Savannah actually made an observational statement that I have said word for word in my journal entries: how I'm just trying to find acceptance from him.  Which is very true, but hen she said that I won't get it , I also know that to be true. And knowing all the obvious truth about what I'm .lacking, and what I won't find here with him, I am just mainting my imperviousness to his actions, lack thereof and his.words. basically, I'm trying to not care what he says or does or says or who he's with and I try to enstill the  idea hat we are not together, I am not his girlfriend, I don't care , so that nothing will hurt me. It's an admirable attempt but also foolish. Only drugs keep me numb.I may not feel it now cuz I'm high but it's still hurting me.and when the cloud subsides the pain will be there and I'll have to face it.

He Respects me, he respects me not.

that's an easy answer, how about Not. as I si9+.it here.in.the garage.being ignored i feel like such an asks, or.an outcast. fuck.how.i.feel.or.the.latent.disrespect it has toe. wanna know.what.happened?.the.girl.he.was.fucking.around.with. has the.nerve to come.with Chase.. needless.to.say.it's.awkward.and.I'm.supposed.to.be put.above.that but.instead.he.kicks me out. I'm like standing there feeling like a cheap wo're who's being asked.to.kick.rocks.cuz.i.have. no value.here. he makes.me.feel.like.shit.and treats me.like.shit. guess that mean.he doesn't.want.to.be with me right.?. i wish.i.didn't.love .him.i.wish I.could.just.turn.and.walk away instead of. subjecting.myself.to.this.abuse.what's worse is that he doesn't give.a.flying fuck how I  feel.

the day of Valentine's birthday

so i gave him his darts he seemed genuinely happy. he's in the shower right now, and his sister came in the room and saw me. she actually smiled and was happy that I was here. that made me feel good! I wish bobot shared her same enthusiasm.
although I feel out of place I'm trying to maintain a good positive attitude.
but man,, he's on a good one.he's totally obvious in my eyes.

150pm
I'm at Robert's. after bobit got out of the shower he tells me he's going to go to Carson. , then awkward silence, and i knew what he was getting at. I'm supposed to kick rocks. he asks what an I gonna do   i mumble about going to store, and i tell him happy birthday. he said he'll call me later. do I'm walking away, he tells me he doesn't have my new number. as I'm walking out i say that its the same which it is. but he's not going to call me.
i wanted to spend his birthday with him, and i . wanted him to want that to, but he doesn't.in fact he's so emotionally unavailable to me now. he doesn't care that I'm dying inside. he doesn't really want me around, i feel like such an outcast. everyone gets to gather around him and the person that should be by his side is cast away never to be thought of again.his;, love: switch just switched off.  and to suppress any feeling he might have.  he slams himself with dope. so of course he didn't feel remorse, regret, loneliness sadness and love.  i should be there but I'm not and i need to accept that.

Valentines Day Heart Ache Birthday Boy Bash

Valentines Daz is his birthday. Hell be 36 zears old. He broke up with me Mondaz at 4am. i dont care how little time has passed, hes blocked mz number, and hes well aware of me monitoring his texts. which is onlz torture for me to read him proclaim to everzone how he is single now, come over. and talking with girls. it kills me, actuallz. I even see his püictures in mz phone, and mz google photos, and there is alot of them and it makes mz stomachj fall so low and then i miss him so much.

RUN AWAY TO LONG BEACH

FROM KICKING IT, TO KICKED OUT

past few days i was getting kicked out ,but was able to get back in with an apology, one from him and one from me. this time, he wouldnt let me back in, and the reasons are baffling to me. i dont even know what happened. although i have felt a distance bewtween us, like he didnt want me there, he wouldnt even come to bed with me!  everynight ive been in bed falling alseep by myself. hes been straight out avoiding me. he even spent his whole thanskgiving day with Geraldine  and totally disregarded me and going with me to see my family. but today  he left me on a good note with saying im the love of his life and kisses me.bye, but then he comes back pissed off and kicks me out. i figured it.might be cuz he wanted to kick it with the girl that called him right when he was talking shit to me. but his phone is off cuz he needs to pay his bill. he left me outside , but instead of.waiting out there like a dumb ass i left to roberts. im thinking that ill take this situation hold onto my hurt and anger and use that as fuel to take.my ass home.