NO thank you

I gave him fifty bucks, towards working on the car. he sctually stted doing something, but then fell asleep underneath my car.
I brought him a box of needed foil, no thank you for that, i also gav him a pack of cigarettes, still no thank you. Nothing I do is good enough, or appreciated or acknowleged, quite the contrary I am merely an inconvience unwanted house guest. Especially considering the fact that we havent had any intimacy together sincelast weekend, i even asked a few days ago. he didnt come home last night, nor did he answer his phone when i was calling him. Even now hes sleeping in thechair as opposed to with me in the bed. which has been the routine lately. Of course I have to act like it doesnt bother me, especially when earlier today and yesterday he gets a call from some girl far away he wasa suppposed to go see. I know what hes about  so I know what hes up to.
but yet, i cant show that i care and that hes killing me inside. In fact I dont show it or tell anyone how I feel, I dont want to keep looking and feeling like a fool

So you keep reminding me

He keeps reminding me of how he doesn't want me here and he can't get me to leave Cuz my car is broken down, and how he can't deal with me. Of course he's saying it rather harshly if not cruel . At least now. Yes saying it in front of people so that I can feel real stupid in front of everyone. I just sit there quietly letting him make me feel the usual make me feel really unwanted. Savannah actually made an observational statement that I have said word for word in my journal entries: how I'm just trying to find acceptance from him.  Which is very true, but hen she said that I won't get it , I also know that to be true. And knowing all the obvious truth about what I'm .lacking, and what I won't find here with him, I am just mainting my imperviousness to his actions, lack thereof and his.words. basically, I'm trying to not care what he says or does or says or who he's with and I try to enstill the  idea hat we are not together, I am not his girlfriend, I don't care , so that nothing will hurt me. It's an admirable attempt but also foolish. Only drugs keep me numb.I may not feel it now cuz I'm high but it's still hurting me.and when the cloud subsides the pain will be there and I'll have to face it.