Back again..

I used the needing a ride technique to get a response from Ass hole. It worked.But he asked if I wanted to kick it. I said yes, and now I'm here, looking at the air mattress on the floor, remembering calling him really this morning like 4am, and him telling me he's "RESTING" 
yeah with her .  Yes totally dissed by this  mother fucker.  I know he fucked her, he already did before, so why not again? I just feel it in my bones. 
But, he doesn't actually think I'm gonna spend the night with him, or even believe him when he says he was in the garage the whole time.

At the casino

It's not fun gambling with someone, even just watching then gamble when they don't know when to quit. Over a thousand, and my friend have out all back and then some. And you can't stop her. She can't stop. It s just sucky n

I'm not hurt

I'm more so offended, and insulted cuz I was just used again. I hate being used, and lately it's been happening

Want Me back?

Hello wants me back,I don't think so.  He tries to say to this home less chick that I'm not his ex anymore, and he looks at me and says right? Ii don't say anything, fuck you bobot.

He runs off somewhere with her, and now he's in hisn room with her.  Btw she already told me she sleepy with him.
That's WHY I SAY NO!! Fuck you bobot

Revisit the wretched valley

Of course I had to hang out with bobot, I saved him for almost last. I blatantly explained to him that I did didnt come for any intimacy, I came just as a friend to hang for a bit.
But of course he is still trying to get ing my pants. When I first rejected him he actually got mad, raised his hand, but caught himself, snd then said well then just fuck it bounce. I was about to but  he stopped me. And he's just being his usual friendliness, but he's throwing in even asking for my opinions, and asking me what I wanted him to do. Uhh huh.. the final blue after he's managed to seduce me into kissing him, he had the nerve to ask me if I still loved him, seriously, and he admitted it Ted he knows that I do.Then he had the audacity to yell me that he loves me, and he wants top be with Just me, and how he saves himself for me, and now he's pulled out THE BIG CARD, and stated that he wants me back. He wants to be with me again. I gently reminded him that , no, he doesn't really want that, and we can get back  together when he's ready, and when he's ready to be with just one person.

I wanted to cry when I was hearing all this fucking insulting bull shit he's spitting at me. I mean he really thinks I'll call for it and give it up to him. WTF!? 

He asked me what I wanted him to do , and u thought to myself, I want him to be fucking REAL!!! For once in his life,see himself and his future and what he wants for himself. He couldnt possibly want the same shit he has everyday right now, what he wants forever?!?! I had hoped that I. Was able to show him-_- give him a taste of what a real relationship feels like. And hopefully he liked it and wanted more. Or in this case want it back. After he felt my absence he would feel what he was lacking, and possibly needed.

But I'm not a fucking idiot, and I'm not new to his bull shit, and I'm not falling for it. Even if I want it too, I have my dignity, and he needs to learn that I'm not like those tweaker bitches and he can't have it like that with me.

Time to go, wet clothes wet tears

I said I love you he said whatever.
Good luck to you he said, we both know what that means. Ouch. I stayed too long, rehashed old feelings.

No money no hunny

Giving gas money goes only a short distance, but the actual price I paid for those ends cost me morally.

Distance and awkwardness topped with my resentments.

Dumped.off

Bobot oicked me up around.3am i wasnt tying ti do anyhing sexuall wih hik, houh he trird. We didnt do anything but play vuedo games whig is what i was hapoy wih. But in he end he tries to droo me at jowells, but house qas stikl asleeo hen i called robert adn got droooed therr. He says hell call me later whrb he has money and gamit.  Doubt he will.

Robert snd i played darts at louies all day then when it was ooolpol time we bounced and hit thr real pool and coolef off.

Been a minute

Sunce i bloggled .im at the movies theaters wuth robert

Vacation in Arizona

NO thank you

I gave him fifty bucks, towards working on the car. he sctually stted doing something, but then fell asleep underneath my car.
I brought him a box of needed foil, no thank you for that, i also gav him a pack of cigarettes, still no thank you. Nothing I do is good enough, or appreciated or acknowleged, quite the contrary I am merely an inconvience unwanted house guest. Especially considering the fact that we havent had any intimacy together sincelast weekend, i even asked a few days ago. he didnt come home last night, nor did he answer his phone when i was calling him. Even now hes sleeping in thechair as opposed to with me in the bed. which has been the routine lately. Of course I have to act like it doesnt bother me, especially when earlier today and yesterday he gets a call from some girl far away he wasa suppposed to go see. I know what hes about  so I know what hes up to.
but yet, i cant show that i care and that hes killing me inside. In fact I dont show it or tell anyone how I feel, I dont want to keep looking and feeling like a fool

So you keep reminding me

He keeps reminding me of how he doesn't want me here and he can't get me to leave Cuz my car is broken down, and how he can't deal with me. Of course he's saying it rather harshly if not cruel . At least now. Yes saying it in front of people so that I can feel real stupid in front of everyone. I just sit there quietly letting him make me feel the usual make me feel really unwanted. Savannah actually made an observational statement that I have said word for word in my journal entries: how I'm just trying to find acceptance from him.  Which is very true, but hen she said that I won't get it , I also know that to be true. And knowing all the obvious truth about what I'm .lacking, and what I won't find here with him, I am just mainting my imperviousness to his actions, lack thereof and his.words. basically, I'm trying to not care what he says or does or says or who he's with and I try to enstill the  idea hat we are not together, I am not his girlfriend, I don't care , so that nothing will hurt me. It's an admirable attempt but also foolish. Only drugs keep me numb.I may not feel it now cuz I'm high but it's still hurting me.and when the cloud subsides the pain will be there and I'll have to face it.

He Respects me, he respects me not.

that's an easy answer, how about Not. as I si9+.it here.in.the garage.being ignored i feel like such an asks, or.an outcast. fuck.how.i.feel.or.the.latent.disrespect it has toe. wanna know.what.happened?.the.girl.he.was.fucking.around.with. has the.nerve to come.with Chase.. needless.to.say.it's.awkward.and.I'm.supposed.to.be put.above.that but.instead.he.kicks me out. I'm like standing there feeling like a cheap wo're who's being asked.to.kick.rocks.cuz.i.have. no value.here. he makes.me.feel.like.shit.and treats me.like.shit. guess that mean.he doesn't.want.to.be with me right.?. i wish.i.didn't.love .him.i.wish I.could.just.turn.and.walk away instead of. subjecting.myself.to.this.abuse.what's worse is that he doesn't give.a.flying fuck how I  feel.

the day of Valentine's birthday

so i gave him his darts he seemed genuinely happy. he's in the shower right now, and his sister came in the room and saw me. she actually smiled and was happy that I was here. that made me feel good! I wish bobot shared her same enthusiasm.
although I feel out of place I'm trying to maintain a good positive attitude.
but man,, he's on a good one.he's totally obvious in my eyes.

150pm
I'm at Robert's. after bobit got out of the shower he tells me he's going to go to Carson. , then awkward silence, and i knew what he was getting at. I'm supposed to kick rocks. he asks what an I gonna do   i mumble about going to store, and i tell him happy birthday. he said he'll call me later. do I'm walking away, he tells me he doesn't have my new number. as I'm walking out i say that its the same which it is. but he's not going to call me.
i wanted to spend his birthday with him, and i . wanted him to want that to, but he doesn't.in fact he's so emotionally unavailable to me now. he doesn't care that I'm dying inside. he doesn't really want me around, i feel like such an outcast. everyone gets to gather around him and the person that should be by his side is cast away never to be thought of again.his;, love: switch just switched off.  and to suppress any feeling he might have.  he slams himself with dope. so of course he didn't feel remorse, regret, loneliness sadness and love.  i should be there but I'm not and i need to accept that.

Valentines Day Heart Ache Birthday Boy Bash

Valentines Daz is his birthday. Hell be 36 zears old. He broke up with me Mondaz at 4am. i dont care how little time has passed, hes blocked mz number, and hes well aware of me monitoring his texts. which is onlz torture for me to read him proclaim to everzone how he is single now, come over. and talking with girls. it kills me, actuallz. I even see his püictures in mz phone, and mz google photos, and there is alot of them and it makes mz stomachj fall so low and then i miss him so much.